I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
