so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
