That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
