I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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