Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
