I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
