Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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