i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Be still, my beating vagina.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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