We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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