Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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