I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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