Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
