i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
