i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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