whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
