apparently the secret to your success is patron
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
