YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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