I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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