Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
