I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
