Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
