You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I love you. Go after that dick
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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