Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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