He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
