I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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