I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
