listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
