Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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