No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
