Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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