im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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