yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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