People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
