I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
