i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
