neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
