so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The air taste purple.
Randomize
