toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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