Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
