Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
