can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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