i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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