My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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