Your face is a jimmy john
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize