i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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