Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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