two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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