Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
