so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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