I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
