Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dignity is for republicans.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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