If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The power of my boobs compel you
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
