So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I wish you could order shots online.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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