So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
