Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
